Things That Lasted Longer Than the Confederate States

NASCAR has removed the Confederate flag, statues of Nathan Bedford Forrest, Robert. E. Lee, and Jefferson Davis are being toppled, and some folks are SUPER WORRIED about this. However will we know about our national traitors unless we have statues of them? I mean, that's why we don't know about Benedict Arnold*, right? Because there are no statues of him? Oh, wait...

Listen, I get it. No one wants to see history or heritage erased. Which is why, in the spirit of preserving our glorious past, I'd like to offer up this list of things that lasted longer, and arguably had a larger effect on American culture, than the Confederate States.

1. Buffy the Vampire Slayer, both the television show AND the comic books.

2. Rush Limbaugh's second, third, and fourth marriages.

3. The McDonald's Happy Meal that the mommy blogger left out on the counter.

4. The time between George R.R. Martin's books.

5. Canned beans.

6. Family Matters. (I was today years old when I realized that this was not, in fact, called The Urkel Show.)

7. The Motorola Razr.

8. Razor scooters!

9. Trump's first and third marriages.

10. Bell bottoms. I mean, whatever. I still wear those. #notsorry #hippieforlife

11. The Twilight Trilogy. Wait, isn't there another book coming out? The Twilight Quartet?

12. Glee. (Side note: should Lea Michele just change her name to Rachel Berry? Are we in an Adrian Grenier/Vincent Chase situation here?)

13. A window unit AC.

14. Lindsay Lohan!

15. Construction of the "Chunnel" between England and France.

16. TiVo.

17. The Bachelor, which after EIGHTEEN SEASONS, has just cast its first Black bachelor. Eighteen seasons, you guys.

Last, and definitely least, the lemon tree that I planted in a pot in 2007 has lasted longer than the Confederacy, and I live in the Pacific Northwest. It's not an official item on the list, though, because it's really only affected me.

Go ahead. Put up a statue to ANY of these things. I will contribute to the Kickstarter campaigns. But the shrines to human trafficking need to go. Buh bye.**

*So it turns out there is actually a statue commemorating Benedict Arnold. It's called the Boot Monument, and it lives in Saratoga National Historical Park in New York. It does not say his name. There is also a plaque dedicated to Benedict Arnold, that was donated by the Daughters of the American Revolution in 1938. Many historians believe that Arnold's name on it was a mistake.

**"Buh bye," incidentally, is from an SNL sketch that first aired with David Spade and Helen Hunt in the mid 90s. Since people are still quoting it, I think we could make the argument that it, too, has lasted longer than the Confederacy.